Men of My (Literal) Dreams Part II

1.Tall, rail-thin guy with oval glasses and a light-haired army cut. He lived in a cabin out in the mountains with his seven younger siblings. I guess we were affianced, because at one point he told me: “I’m so happy we’re getting married. Oh, hey, will you wash the dishes and babysit all my much younger brothers and sisters while I go out for a walk? K thx bye.” Apparently dream self has not had an equal rights movement.

2. Older dude in his fifties who could best be described as a snake oil salesman with some kind of religious bent. At first I was cordial with him and thought he was an all right sort, just a bit smarmy. That was before he decided I should be his bride and help him make money through a televangelism career. Then things took a Pride and Prejudice turn, and I went all Lizzy Bennett on him and was like, “I would never wed such an odious man.” Fortunately for him, Mary Bennett still thought he was quite a catch.

3. Ewan McGregor as a Russian prince (I’m just as baffled as you are). I was apparently in the role of a princess cursed with constant starvation, so his gesture of affection toward me was ordering a pizza. FINALLY, a dream guy who understands!

Want to read about my other dreamy studs? Click here.

Men of My (Literal) Dreams


1. Discount Lando Calrissian with a dash of Billy Ocean thrown in. I met him in a super-cluttered antique shop (where he apparently lived?), and he was – naturally – incredibly debonair. Tried to get me to stay the night, but I was like, “Nuh-uh, Discount Lando, I am NOT that kind of woman.”

2. This nerdy boy people referred to as “the Beast” – not because he was cruel or scary, but because no one wanted to love him. I was paired to marry him in this sort of dystopian match-making society. He had a poor haircut and bad acne, but a kind heart – further driving home the Beast metaphor, I suppose.

3. A blind man of stocky build and black hair. He sold medieval weaponry for a living (I wasn’t playing too much Dragon Quest at the time, nooooo…) and was a total sass. He’d make up nonsense about my physical appearance and say how much he liked it – like claiming I had a tricked-out beehive hairstyle.

4. A male nurse with Kirk Cameron hair. Dream self apparently thought he was hilarious and charming – even when he informed me that he’d peed his scrubs and needed to go wash up in the bathroom.

(Now there’s a Part II!)