Men of My (Literal) Dreams Part II

1.Tall, rail-thin guy with oval glasses and a light-haired army cut. He lived in a cabin out in the mountains with his seven younger siblings. I guess we were affianced, because at one point he told me: “I’m so happy we’re getting married. Oh, hey, will you wash the dishes and babysit all my much younger brothers and sisters while I go out for a walk? K thx bye.” Apparently dream self has not had an equal rights movement.

2. Older dude in his fifties who could best be described as a snake oil salesman with some kind of religious bent. At first I was cordial with him and thought he was an all right sort, just a bit smarmy. That was before he decided I should be his bride and help him make money through a televangelism career. Then things took a Pride and Prejudice turn, and I went all Lizzy Bennett on him and was like, “I would never wed such an odious man.” Fortunately for him, Mary Bennett still thought he was quite a catch.

3. Ewan McGregor as a Russian prince (I’m just as baffled as you are). I was apparently in the role of a princess cursed with constant starvation, so his gesture of affection toward me was ordering a pizza. FINALLY, a dream guy who understands!

Want to read about my other dreamy studs? Click here.

Bathroom Nightmares

When I was but a wee tot in my parents’ care, I would have this recurring nightmare where my favorite blankie/stuffed bunny hybrid – Bubby – would get flushed down the toilet. It was usually done by some phantom force not explained by my dream, although on occasion my brother or parents would be at fault.

These dreams were more terrible and frightening to my six year-old brain than any nightmare that might have included a ghost or monster (or animatronic). I would often creep into my parents’ room after such a dream and beg my dad to let me snuggle with him. (He was a bigger softie than my mom. Hehe.) Sometimes Bubby would get flushed on a nightly basis, so you can probably imagine how exasperated my parents got with my strange fear.

Fast-forward 20-some years, and somehow bathrooms are still the subject of my most horrendous nightmares. (Bubby has long stopped being the object in crisis, however.) They’re so prevalent, they’ve actually become a marker for knowing how stressed out I am. If I’m under no stress, I actually dream about luxurious bathrooms. Such as:


As the stress increases, however, the bathrooms begin to look more like:


They run the gamut, let me tell you. From restrooms with cramped stalls and clogged toilets, to public showers where the walls are covered in mildew and the floors in wet toilet paper. I’ve had a few dreams where I wanted to wash up, but discovered I basically had to stand on a grubby toilet in order to get near the shower head. It’s the worst.

I’m not sure what causes these nightmares. I don’t freak out at less-than-stellar bathrooms in reality. Maybe it’s part of my subconscious wish for a grander bathroom in my own home, since apartments lend little space for that sort of luxury.

…Or maybe it’s Bubby communicating to me from the beyond, never letting me forget all those times I let him go down into the sewers, seeking his revenge for everything he suffered…

…Mom, Dad, can I sleep with you tonight?

Men of My (Literal) Dreams


1. Discount Lando Calrissian with a dash of Billy Ocean thrown in. I met him in a super-cluttered antique shop (where he apparently lived?), and he was – naturally – incredibly debonair. Tried to get me to stay the night, but I was like, “Nuh-uh, Discount Lando, I am NOT that kind of woman.”

2. This nerdy boy people referred to as “the Beast” – not because he was cruel or scary, but because no one wanted to love him. I was paired to marry him in this sort of dystopian match-making society. He had a poor haircut and bad acne, but a kind heart – further driving home the Beast metaphor, I suppose.

3. A blind man of stocky build and black hair. He sold medieval weaponry for a living (I wasn’t playing too much Dragon Quest at the time, nooooo…) and was a total sass. He’d make up nonsense about my physical appearance and say how much he liked it – like claiming I had a tricked-out beehive hairstyle.

4. A male nurse with Kirk Cameron hair. Dream self apparently thought he was hilarious and charming – even when he informed me that he’d peed his scrubs and needed to go wash up in the bathroom.

(Now there’s a Part II!)